Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Be Careful Who You call a Meth Head

            I don’t walk down the street calling people meth heads, dope dealers, or drug mules.  As a general rule I have a positive view of humanity and do not assume that most people are criminals involved in the drug trade.  However, I have had occasion online to accuse many a person of being involved in the dark criminal underbelly.  Allow me to explain.  There are millions of people on online dating websites around the world and if you are an attractive female it probably seems like all of them are emailing you.  My point is you have to break through the clutter somehow and gain a girl’s attention.  Of course if you are Brad Pitt you can let your profile pic do the talking for you, but if you are not you have to make yourself standout.  Every guy online has his own strategy or at least he should.  Some guys like the shirtless pose.  I’m not sure what message you are trying to send with this type of profile picture, but there is definitely a message being sent.  Something tells me that no matter what he says on his profile, shirt off flexing guy is not looking for a long term deep meaningful relationship. 
            My strategies are bit different.  One of my favorite is to accuse a woman of being felony level drug dealers.  I know that this sounds like the strategy of an asshole but believe I’m not trying to be and most of the women I’ve email agree.  The key is doing it in a playful manner and to try to convey as clearly as possible that you are joking.  My normal email looks something like this:
            I saw your profile and thought I would say hi. You seem like an interesting person I would like to get to know. I see that you list your profession as "self-employed" which I can only assume is code for deals meth. That’s cool with me in these hard economic times I’m not one to criticize, lol. Of course there is a small chance I could be wrong so I better ask what do you do?
I’m not saying it’s exactly Shakespeare, but I credit my 10% success rate at getting return emails to this little baby.  That may sound like a low success rate but in the world of online dating that is actually relatively high.  I’ve heard from a number of girls who I either know offline or have gotten to know online that they get so many emails from men on these website that they don’t read most of them.  I try to draw them in with the subject line, “Which cartel do you work for?”  The hope is that the desire to know what spurned my outrageous question gets them to read the rest of my email and take a look at my profile.  Honestly, that is all you are really hopping for as a guy.
            Of course it may shock you to learn that some people take the accusation that they deal meth for living seriously.  Although it is rare I have received responses from girls over the years who were genuinely shocked and offended that I would accuse them of such a crime.  Here is one response I received from a girl on Plenty of Fish.  Her photo was black and white and she looked like she was striking a ballerina pose.  I thought her photo was a little odd, but I like quirky and fun people so I thought why not give her a shot.  It turns out we won’t be having a love connection.  Here is her response, “First off. I dont do drugs and I can' only assume you do since that was your first guess. Im a waitress.”  Are you sure you don’t do drugs?  First off, first off is not a sentence.  Second off, apostrophes are often used in contractions like don’t and I’m, but they are rarely used in words like can’.  I don’t think I will be buying us his and her towels any time soon.
            The more common response I received from upset women was simple to be told that it is not nice to accuse someone of being a drug dealer and that I was wrong.  This response was almost always from a girl who listed sense of humor as a must have on her profile.  In the word’s Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke,What we've got here is a failure to communicate.”  The problem is that I speak and write fluent sarcasm and these women were not working in the same language as me.  In this case my message serves a duel function.  Not only does it make me stand out from a crowd but it also helps me weed out those girls that are not a good match.  If they can’t take a joke or understand my humor than I don’t think we are going to be a good fit.
            There is one other problem when accusing someone of being a drug dealer, you might be right.  I don’t know how many people in the United State deal drugs.  It might be one in every 100 people or one in every thousand.  What I do know is that if you email enough people accusing them of dealing meth you will eventually be right.  I took me close to two years of online dating but I finally struck gold and received this uncomfortable reply:
That is funny, because I used to cook as a teenager, but I am through that stage. And I don't work for anyone, independent. Haha, that's probably too much info already. Yeah, um, I went to prison for selling drugs, so thought it was very interesting that you pinned me like that. But, now I am all good and going back to school and all that jazz, being a law abiding citizen for the most part :)
I have to give her credit for her honesty.  Most people don’t own up to having been a convicted meth cooking felon until at least the third date.  In her defense she didn’t actually deal meth she just cooked it which is a big difference.  Well maybe not.  And what do you think she meant by being a law abiding citizen “for the most part”?  I should also mention that in-between my first email and her reply she posted some new pictures of herself.  These new photos showcased her full back tattoo of a Phoenix.  As a general rule I don’t date women with full back tattoos of mythical creatures.  I might make an exception for a liger, but I am afraid a Phoenix just doesn’t cut it.

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